How to Respond to Criticism

What do you do when someone criticizes you? They may have criticized you to your face, or behind your back. It hurts. But what do you do?
The worst thing to do is go on the attack and fight back. By doing that, you are escalating the conflict and everyone, even the innocent, is walking on eggshells around you. Proverbs 15:1 gives us the wonderful truism of, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." The last thing we should want is to stir up more anger!
If fighting back is not good advice, what do you do? Start by considering the source. Some people are critical of everyone and everything. If your critic falls into that category, then you have just "joined the club" of all the others they have criticized. At that point, you can rest assured that there are others who have met the sharp tongue of the critic, and many people are dismissing the criticism due to the reputation of the critic.
However, just because a critic has criticized you, doesn't mean you should ignore it. What if it is justified? I haven't yet met anyone who is perfect! I read once that you should listen to your critics, because they will tell you things your friends never would! It might pay to get someone else who knows the situation, and who you trust, into a one-on-one confidential meeting and ask that person to give you some good honest feedback on the criticism. Give them the freedom to respond by assuring them that you want to improve yourself, and if there is even a speck of truth in the original criticism, you need to hear it.
Here are some questions to ask that trusted person, and yourself:
     1. What is true about the criticism?
     2. What did I do to deserve the criticism?
     3. Is this a habit, that I tend to act or react in a particular way when in a given situation?
     4. How should I act or react in that situation?
     5. What can I do to recognize when I am in that situation and in danger of acting or reacting inappropriately?
     6. Who can I trust to give me a warning sign when I am about to act or react inappropriately?
     7. Is there a "trick" (acronym, story, etc.) I can use to help me remember to act or react in the manner I should?
Don't stop with just the list of questions and your answers! If you need to change, you need to decide to change (harder than it sounds!) and then evaluate how well you are doing as time goes by.
The next time you find yourself in a similar situation, ask that trusted confidant for feedback on how you acted and reacted that time. Work on it until you know you have improved yourself and the critic can no longer be critical of you on that matter.
Remember, the goal of responding to criticism is not to escalate the fight, or to win the fight, or to get revenge, but to respond in a way that is right and will be respected. 

Expert Advice

I collect coffee mugs. Some mugs were given to me by friends. Some I bought as mementos while on vacation. Some are reminders of the various baseball parks. football stadiums, etc. that I have been to. And I have a mug for each state that I have visited. Needless to say, I have a lot of mugs!
I use a different mug every day, and today's mug is my Chicago mug (see photo). My family went to Chicago on vacation a couple of years after we moved to Rochester so I bought this mug. It is significant because I was amazed at the amount of graffiti adorning the walls and buildings in Chicago.
Before we went on vacation, I sought the advice of someone who once lived in Chicago. I figured he could tell me the best places to stay, eat, and tips for getting around the Windy City. One of his recommendations was to get a hotel near the airport and take the "El" (Elevated Train) downtown to see all the touristy things. That made sense to me, so we booked a hotel near the airport.
The first morning after arriving, we headed for the airport, parked our car, bought a week-long family pass for the El and buses and climbed aboard the first available car. The ride downtown was amazing! We saw parts of Chicago that I know we never would have seen if we had driven. We caught a glimpse of a commuter's life aboard the El. It was an eye-opening ride. And it took FOREVER!
By the time the train made its way to downtown, and we transferred to a subway, then transferred buses a few times to get to our first museum, we had spent 2 hours getting from the airport to our destination! I decided to try an alternate plan for the next day. The next day we waited until rush hour was over, drove directly to the museum-of-the-day, parked our car and walked into the museum in about 45 minutes.
I mention this because my "expert" advice was incorrect for me and my needs on this trip. We can assume that because someone has performed a certain type of work for years, that this person must be an expert on similar tasks that we are about to undertake. And most of the time, we will be right. However, we should never assume that is always the case. If I had been commuting to work, the El was probably the best method of transportation. But for tourist activities, a well-planned drive in the family minivan turned out to be the best. Listen to the experts, try their suggestions, but be ready to adapt it to your own situation.
Oh, and if you are the expert, don't be offended when someone tries your suggestion and then does it differently. It is not a slam on your knowledge; it is just a recognition that there is enough of a difference to warrant a different approach.

Avoiding The Ravine of Regret

If a = b, and b = c, then a = c. It's simple math, right? I remember learning this the first week of Algebra I and wondering why we had to "learn" this obvious truth.
While the above formula works well in math, it doesn't work so well in life. Situation a is never exactly equal to situation b. And situation b may differ ever-so-slightly from situation c. So resolving situation a will always be different from situation c.
Why am I drawing this comparison? Because of our natural tendency expand »to compete in the "broad jump" of life - jumping to conclusions. When we participate in the broad jump to conclusions, I can assure you of one simple truth - you will often fall into the ravine of regret. No matter how good you think you are at reading situations and people and jumping to the "right conclusion," you will be wrong more than you are right - and you will regret making the jump.
To avoid the ravine of regret, we must undertake the difficult task of getting to know people and striving to "seek first to understand" (per Stephen Covey's 7 Habits). This process is time consuming, difficult, and sometimes messy. But the outcome keeps us out of the ravine of regret and we will find ourselves safely in the fields of wisdom - a much better place to be.

The Phone Call

"Hello, this is Frank. <silence for 15 seconds> What's wrong? When did it start? How bad is it? Is it really that bad? Well, let me take a look and I will get back to you. Goodbye." This was a real telephone conversation that I overheard many years ago when a programmer I worked with received a phone call - obviously from an irate customer. It didn't sound good. Sitting at the desk behind Frank was Derrick. Derrick was new. Derrick had just moved his first project into production. Derrick was sitting at his desk, his chair spun around, staring at Frank, his eyes like saucers, and fear etched on his face.
Frank hung up the phone, turned around, looked at Derrick, and with a straight face and a monotone voice said, "It was a wrong number." What a classic "gotcha!" The look on Derrick's face was priceless!
Why am I telling this story? Because too often we take our work too seriously. We should be able to have fun at the workplace. I know there are places and situations where joking around is totally inappropriate. But the workplace shouldn't always resemble a morgue. 
Think about it. When you go out with your friends, don't you joke around with them? Don't you look forward to those times? What if our workplace was like that? What if we built friendships like Frank and Derrick built (they became best friends very quickly)? Frank made work fun. And trust me, he received more "gotchas" than almost anyone at work! Our unit had fun, morale was high, and productivity was even higher! We all looked forward to going to work. Doesn't that sound like the kind of job you would like to have? We can have that kind of job - if we just loosen up a bit, strive to build relationships that turn our co-workers into our friends, and have fun together while we work.

An Attitude of Gratitude

They were a small community. They moved into a land much different from their homeland. They were ill-prepared for the hardships they encountered. They were cut off from their families and friends back home. At the end of their first year in their new home, nearly half of their population had died. To say they lived in a challenging situation would be an understatement. They were out of their comfort zone and barely surviving. What would be their next steps? What would you have done?

The Pilgrims decided to celebrate with a feast of Thanksgiving. They thanked God for helping them survive and providing for their needs in their new home that first year. In spite of losing half their population, they gave thanks! Instead of wallowing in their misery and whining about their misfortunes, they chose to be thankful for what they had. They had an attitude of gratitude. It strengthened them for the coming year. 

In the midst of all our difficulties, what can we find to be thankful for this year?

Happy Thanksgiving!

8 Seconds

8 seconds. It is amazing how powerful 8 seconds can be. I finished reading a book last week written by a recovered drug addict. One of his secrets to beating his addiction was to simply get his mind off his cravings for a short time. A psychologist had told him that if he could resist the urge to act on his impulse for 8 seconds, that it would go away. So he taught himself to shift his mind from the addict's impulse for drugs to some positive image for just those few seconds. And, he said, the urge would usually leave. Of course, there were the occasional, and stronger, urgings that didn't work for and required some additional help; you will have to read Josh Hamilton's "Beyond Belief" to get the whole picture of his experience in breaking the addiction.

That little "8 second" rule got me thinking. Maybe our mother's suggestion to "count to 10" before saying anything when angry really works. Could we use the drug addict's 8-second rule to help us deal with our temper? Could we use the 8-second rule to help us with "snack attacks"? Could we use the 8-second rule before responding to that flame-mail? Could we use the 8-second rule before we roll our eyes or exhibit other negative body language? Where else could we use the 8-second rule? And what would be the positive outcomes of using the 8-second rule?

Take A Risk, Hit A Home Run

David Freese hit a walk-off home run in the 11th inning last night to give the Cardinals the victory in game 6 of the World Series. Earlier in the game he had dropped a pop fly that most Little Leaguers would have easily caught. There is a lesson here for us. David Freese knows that he will fail often during a season. He knows that there is a good chance he will fail often even during a single game. He knows that the top hitters in baseball fail 2/3 of the time, yet they still go to the plate and take their swings. They still take the field, even though they openly acknowledge there is a great risk of failure. Fear of failure is not an option for a professional baseball player. When he begins to fear failure, his career is probably over.
What if we approached our jobs the same way? What if we were not afraid to take a chance? What if our manager continued to put us in the game, even after we had failed once? Or twice? Or three times? What would happen? Would we see more innovative ideas? Would we see a work force that was more comfortable with adversity? Would we see more people learning from their experiences and gaining confidence that they can persevere and even win? I think so!
Does that mean we don't try to manage the risks? Of course not! Baseball teams manage their risks very well. They practice and practice and practice before they take the field. There are six weeks of training before the season. The players take batting practice, fielding practice, and practice throwing EVERY DAY before the game. They scout the other team to know what to expect and prepare accordingly. They put together a game plan, but know it will likely change during the game. The manager watches each player carefully and puts them into the right situations to give them the greatest chance of success. All of that is to manage the risks.
We will never hit the game-winning home run sitting on the bench. We have to prepare to win, practice often, and take risks if we are going to win. Wayne Gretzky once said, "You miss 100% of the shots you never take." If we are going to win, each of us needs to get off the bench and take our best shot!